I like this site. I listened to the free podcasts and found them interesting and challening. Complex ideas and good format. Learned alot. It's time to buy the book.
--a mom

I'm from California. I agree. But I could use some more How-tos. My 14 year old is very intelligent and has all the problems described in the self-control video...he's a total grabber. So, how do you build more desire to wait in life. But my husband was a grabber too, but he's better.
--Imma Mom too

I joined the Whitley Select. There are more how tos there, and I hope to see even more. The one on Toxic Peers really helped me with my 13-year old. We are still working that but so far, things are better at my household.
--Gregorie in Atlanta

We read the book and started the 10 step program. We are members of the site. It has been a life changing experience. I know we are on the right track with our 14 yr old son. It also made me realize the changes my husband and I had to make in order for this to make a life change for our family. We listened to rational soul and it hit home. I have used the "reality" based thoughts so many times with such success. I think the most helpful thing is the understanding that we now have as to way our son was acting this way. With that, change is possible. We also don't feel like the "bad guys" anymore, it is all on our son and HIS choices. For the Mom of the grabber, our son is also very impulsive and couldn't wait for anything. This even went with spending $. We have had a difficult time connecting waiting to greater reward. One thing we did...he wants that Playstation3, as we all know it is $600.00. I refuse to pay that for a video gaming system. And on went the arguement. So, he also wanted the PSP. He had enough of his own $ that he earned over the summer to purchase the PSP. SO, we told him that if he saved $300(1/2) of the $ for the PS3, we would contribute also. If he decided to purchase the PSP, no contribution from us for the other. This went over like a lead balloon. Instant gratification or waiting and saving for what I really want. He agonized for days, tears, everything. Finally, he decided to wait for the PS3. I asked why? well, I know what I really want and that means I have to wait, and so far has not grumbled one time about it. Since this incident, he has shown alittle more thought on some things, we still have a long way to go. The best part was...he had to consciously make the choice for himself. I think this is the hardest part for all of, allowing them to make the choice and sometimes fall down, and learn to succedd themselves.
Thank you Dr. Whitley for your kindness and well given advice.
--Jenn-Virginia
<mailto:mforj90@hotmail.com>

This is Dr. Whitley. Thank you for your kind comments. I want to support you in your nice comment. It is sometimes difficult for us parents to "wait" for those right moments to confront our "grabbers" (see the podcasts on this site) with the decision to wait, delay, and get the greater good later. You have to start, like you did, with something they really want and make them work for it. Following the Ten Steps and other techniques, and remaining calm and reality focused, are all part of the over all package. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with other parents. Hats off to you!
--Dr. Whitley
<http://docwhitley.com>

We need a referral for a psychologist or other professional counselor in Orange County, California. Anyone out there had good experiences and want to share a professionals name, just post it to this forum. Need help with underachievement problems locally. Thanks
--worried mom

awesome website! i've learned so much in just a few hours. i also recommend http://www.drdavestein.com (he's in Virginia). the two site complement each other nicely. i am so glad that i found this website, and have just ordered the book on underachievers. keep up the great work!!
--lisa
<mailto:lisab5560@yahoo.com>

Dr. Whitley, thanks for your very insightful book! I have a 9 year old son who is bright and wonderful. The big challenge is that his teachers seem to be a one note symphony of "Why can't you put him on medication?" Can you give me some pointers to distinguish between underachievement and ADHD. When I suggested to my son that maybe he doesn't put his name on his papers because he feels more secure knowing that the teacher is always "looking out for him", he gave that some serious thought and said, "You may be right!" Anyway, in our pharmaceutically inclined educational environment, am I right to think that underachievement can look an awful lot like inattention, but with completely different underlying challenges?

Dear Anonymous: you raise fundamental questions. There can be multiple causes for inattention...other than then subtle problems with brain functioning with true ADHD. Anxiety and depression may also inhibit motivation and focus in school, as well as other personality factors, such as shyness. Basically, I've treated many kids diagnosed with ADHD or ADD quite successfully using the programs outlined in my book. I also train other focusing techniques for kids whom I believe have a correct ADHD diagnosis. I should include a podcast on these techniques soon.

Basically, even kids who are on medication usually need more help in handling their emotional states, motivation, and behavior related to both family and school beyond what medication alone can give them.

Dr. Whitley
--Dr. Whitley
<http://docwhitley.com>

I wish I had found this site when I had my great-nephews with me when their mom was deployed to Kuwait. But now that I have found it, I think I will buy the book and send it to my neice for help with that 14 year old nephew I had who is a grabber and I suspect has ADHA.
--A Concerned Aunt

I read the book 2 1/2 weeks ago, and was very hopeful. We just started our third week, and the anger spewing from our thirteen year old daughter shows no sign of letting up. She won't set goals, and every response she gives to my questions is sarcastic or downright mean. I found out from her teachers last Friday that she turned in almost no work all week (though she told me every night that it was all turned in). Tonight she had another tantrum, and said the only thing she has to live for is her friends--that if she only had us, she would kill herself now. Afterward, she just cried forever & said she is sad all the time and doesn't know why. I think she needs a professional counselor. Can anyone recommend counselors/therapists in San Antonio? I really need help.
--Tracey
<mailto:traceymccormick@yahoo.com>

Tracey, you're not alone. Our daughter acted the same way and still does but to a much lesser degree. This sounds impossible in the face of a recalcitrant child but remain calm. It's the hardest thing I've had to do as a parent, but remain calm. Don't argue with them; If it gets too intense, walk away and come back in 20 minutes (or however long it takes) but always come back to them. Try watching Mr. Rogers. I've watched Mr. Rogers 8X now. It does help. The changes may come more slowly than you want but keep reading and re-reading his book and watching and re-watching his podcasts. I always pick up something I missed before. I don't know how far it is from San Antonio to Houston, but Dr. Whitley is in Houston. Good luck.
--jaberwocky

Tracey, you're not alone. Our daughter acted the same way and still does but to a much lesser degree. This sounds impossible in the face of a recalcitrant child but remain calm. It's the hardest thing I've had to do as a parent, but remain calm. Don't argue with them; If it gets too intense, walk away and come back in 20 minutes (or however long it takes) but always come back to them. Try watching Mr. Rogers. I've watched Mr. Rogers 8X now. It does help. The changes may come more slowly than you want but keep reading and re-reading his book and watching and re-watching his podcasts. I always pick up something I missed before. I don't know how far it is from San Antonio to Houston, but Dr. Whitley is in Houston. Good luck.
--jaberwocky

This book appeared in our life at just the right time. My 8 year old is a brilliant, determined, and troubled "runner". The past year has been hell, and I have been expecting the police to bring her home in a plastic bag. She has been lying and planning her escapes and exploits with such detail it is incredible."You can't keep me in my room, I will just climb out the window!" "You can't stop me." "You can't make me!" We are playing checkers and she is 6 steps ahead playing chess. Last night,I was up all night reading this book, "Bright minds". Today at lunch she started the blame game,and I sat and quietly and kept putting it back onto her, and reflecting how her choices were only really affecting her, and regardless of who she decided to blame, my life would move along nicely, and so if she suspected somebody was trying to sabotage her efforts she should take steps to prevent this from happening because she and ONLY she suffered the consequences. I do not agree with bringing up issues at mealtimes, but she knows this and she uses it for her own purpose. I changed the rules today and I called her out. Changing the rules shocked her greatly. She was literally squirming in her seat. She even threw the baby's play dough at me, but she did settle down and stop BS'ing me. I guess she needs time to figure out the new rules. My mother accused me of being cruel by grounding her to the house for 2 months (She had run away again and the police had to be notified). I would rather be too harsh than bury my child. It is only day 2, and her vocabulary is still littered with accusations and blame, but she has made a very honest effort to complete her homework and to help out around the house for the first time in years. It gives me hope, though I know it will be a long road. Reading this book gave us a place to start and a plan to follow. This is a far cry from how things have been going, as I was just treading water trying not to drown and turn my child over to foster care, where they could keep her safe from her own behaviour. I am praying we can get on the right track before she hits puberty. I can also see how I need to alter aspects of my lifestyle to help her understand how important discipline is. Not everyone can be successful living and working as a free spirit. Making it look easy has given her a false belief in her own abilities. She wants to skip the years of hard work and preparation and get right to the business of calling the shots.
Thank you for this new tool!
-momupnorth

This book makes the most sense. I'm a single father with an almost 15 year old. I've started implementing Dr Whitleys' suggestions. I think his is my best hope. His ideas address the source - instead of the symptons. It seems it's going to be a long haul struggle, but aren't our children with it? Good luck to everyone.
Does anyone know of someone I can work with locally in Palm Beach County? Thanks, Jim.

I review the 6 daily questions with our 14 y.o. daughter. She hates it. For example, I ask her what subject matter they covered in Spanish, she replies, "Spanish" or "why don't you go ask the teacher." Other times she refuses to answer and starts drawing or reading while I'm talking. I'll get up and remove the book or paper but that just escalates. What to do when they give sarcastic answers or refuse to answer?
--jaberwocky

jaberwocky - My son did that at first, but I just sat and waited. I got a cup of coffee and a book and made it obvious I wasn't going to give up. His tone didn't improve much, but he started answering questions. I know he's still waiting for me to give up, but I'm determined to stick with it. Hang in there!
--devra29
<mailto:devra29@yahoo.com>

This is a great site I just found. I do alot of what is suggested regarding asking questions at the end of the day,ect.. We have a site where I can check my son's grade on line at his school,(when the teachers keep up), he will say, that grade is better now, or the new one isn't posted. Today, I looked, and saw 3 D's.
What is the best way to approach low grades? When I complain, rant, rave, ground, it does not accomplish anything. He always says he's going to change his ways, but he is a lazy 9th grader. He has been tested twice for academic problems,and professionals did not find anything wrong. Frustrated parent!!!
--jgirl
<mailto:jeanne0753@yahoo.com>

My 16 year old daughter is a procrastinator and has ADD, having been diagnosed in first grade. I have tried several different meds and combinations of meds. We have gone through 4 different psychologists and psychiatrists. Living in the Clear Lake area of Texas, just outside Houston, can you recommend a therapist in my area that is familiar with your book and teachings? I am also dealing with an exhusband (with anger issues and just yells at her) and his new wife who has never had children and is VERY controlling, believing that if they just leave my daughter in her room all weekend on their weekends, she will "straighten-up?"
Since my daughter is only two years from graduating high school, I desperately feel I must deal with this NOW, once and for all, before it's just too late and she tries to take this bahavior to college, which I do forsee the struggles and ultimate failures she will suffer there.
--Stacy
<mailto:remodelbabe@aol.com>

I'm halfway through this book and am relieved to find it. My 15 year old son has a lot of the behaviors described in it. I'm interested in referrals for therapists in the Kansas City area who are familiar with you and your work. Thanks.
--Kathleen
<mailto:kdokane@kc.rr.com>

At the end of last semester when my 8th grade son came home with almost straight F's, I lost all hope. We'd tried everything. Grounding, tutoring, drag sheets, encouragement, etc and nothing seemed to work for very long. I finally got honest about it and admited that he had a chronic problem and so I started doing research. I called around and ask for counselling referrals. I ordered a bunch of books on chronic underacheivement -- my son has always scored above average in standardized tests, yet he had almost always struggled in school.

One of the books I got was Dr. Whitleys, and of all the books, this one resonated the most with our situation. It helped to discover that my son was not lazy, nor did he lack values of hard work...It helped me to see that there may be problems there that I didn't understand and that it was worth digging for. I had to look hard at what I'd been exampling -- procrastination being one of them. And I had to change my reactions to his grades. This took time and practice, where I blew it a lot. We implemented the 'Honesty is a basic requirement.' and 'Work first' policies while assuring my son that we would no longer go ballistic about his grades. I began interviewing him after school and emailing his teachers to check his honesty. Every assignment had to be done, even if he couldn't turn it in because it was late. No TV, video games or phones were allowed until the work was complete. All this with our best attempts at being positive, yet firm.

You'd have thought I was killing him at first. He pouted and cried and got defiant and in my face about it. When I didn't think I could take it anymore, I left the room. And when the pouting got to be too much (hours longer), we gave him manual labor to do around the house, explaining that an education is the difference between a career in manual labor and a cushy job using your brain. As his parents, we felt it was important that he have the benefit of full disclosure for what he was choosing, if school wasn't the direction he wanted to go. After a few weekends of clearing blackberry briars, homework seemed to appeal more to him. Besides, he missed TV, video games and the phone.

It helped that Dr. Whitley was clear about how long this process could take. When I despaired, my husband would remind me how long this could take.

Long story short, it's been 4 months since we began working with my son using Dr. Whitley's wisdom, and as of this writing, my son has 2 B's (in math and science), 4 C's and a D. He's a much, much happier kid than he was when we started, and I can trust him again. He's earned it.

The cool thing is, he sees the whole journey as having been really good for him. I told him that I'd like to resume after-school interviews again in the fall, just as a booster to make sure he starts off the year on the right foot, and that as year progresses I'll back off. He was relieved. Relieved! This from the kid who flatly refused my help only months ago and was defiant, disrespectful and frequently outright angry. I'm pretty amazed.

Thanks for your book, Dr. Whitley. It was hugely helpful for us. Do you have recommendations for teachers? Some of my son's teachers have asked -- they tell me that my son's patterns are very common in their classrooms.

--Jennifer
<mailto:jrader10@comcast.net>

Dr. Whitley,
I have read your book and it hits the nail right on the head describing our son. We have started applying your pricipals to the daily approach in dealing with our 14 year old son and like your book warns, it is not getting better (yet). Without going into great detail, I will just say my wife and I feel like we need outside help with our son.
Can you reccomend anyone in the Tampa FL area?
--taylor
<mailto:thelordblessyou@yahoo.com>

Dr. Whitley and all,
I too am implementing your strategies and they are slowly paying off. We can see improvements in homework grades and quizzes.
This week, in meeting with his teachers I was completely for. All of the teachers, shared he is one of the first to get finished, and rushes almost guessing through exams and quizzes that he has studied or been tutored in. Can you share some suggetions for consequences when they are self sabotaging their work?
--Stan

Dr. Whitley and all,
I too am implementing your strategies and they are slowly paying off. We can see improvements in homework grades and quizzes.
This week, in meeting with his teachers I was completely for. All of the teachers, shared he is one of the first to get finished, and rushes almost guessing through exams and quizzes that he has studied or been tutored in. Can you share some suggetions for consequences when they are self sabotaging their work?
--Stan

Hi Dr. Whitley,

I have a son who is 18 years old who shows a lot of characteristics of underachiever personalities. I have your book and I would really like to try the 10 step program but he is in college ~ 150 miles away. Our question is "How do we go about applying your program for a college kid who lives far away from us?" Would it be a good idea to ask our son to read your book? Would it create more animosity?

Any suggestions are very much appreciated.

Thank you,
Very concerend mom

Dear Dr. Whitley,

I wonder what exactly my son needs. He is 8 years old, and very bright as he scored 98th percentile on his IOWA tests last year. His grades are very good, mostly A's. For the past two years his teachers have been saying he has trouble focusing in class. His 2nd grade teacher says he wanted to be the center of attention. His teacher this year says he talks out of turn in class, raises his hand often to tell an irrelevant story, asks to get a drink or go to the bathroom frequently, fidgets in his seat, doesn't pay careful attention to his work and doesn't work independently. So these things sound like ADD/ADHD, but I don't think they are that severe. I read that the diagnosis of this is made properly if the symptoms are impacting two areas of the child's life, (e.g., school and home) which in this case they are only impacting one area, and so far not very significantly (I think) in that his grades are good and his social adjustment at school is good. He doesn't seem to be an underachiever, since his grades are good; I just think that he could do more academically, perhaps. Maybe he is not challenged enough?

What is the best way to approach this problem? Do you think the approach in your book is useful in this circumstance? My son doesn't seem to fit any of the 6 underachiever types you describe.

I appreciate your input.

Thank you.

I just found your website / book and I will be buying the book tonight. I haven't read the rest of this forum yet either, so maybe this is not the right place for my comment / question, but I'm going to go ahead anyway.

My son is whiz...just scored 1510 or something like that on the PSAT, attended the Duke TIP Program for 2 summers, and is receiving heavy mailings / emailings from Top Colleges, including Ivy League schools. He's always carried an A average, but began to sprinkle in a few B's and even a C when he hit high school last year. This year, first semester, he had to stage a late-in-the game comeback to finish with middle B's and 1 C. 5 weeks into the 2nd semester and he has 2 F's and 3 C's. He is taking all AP / Honors classes. Early on this semester he was bombing in calculus (math has always been his THING) and his teacher told us that he was not able to do the work and recommended he be removed from the class....so he made a 100 on the next test...BTW, he didn't miss a single math question on the PSAT. He's not a trouble-maker in class or a clown. In fact, though he has a solid group of friends, the occasional girlfriend, and is a pretty good Varsity Football Player (which is a year-round JOB - even in HS these days), he's fairly introverted. Bottom Line, he's just not doing his work and not studying for tests / quizzes. I've told him that his grades are HIS responsibility, offered to assist in any way that I can, and discussed with him the college / life options that he either will or won't have based upon his grades. His Mom wants to take a bit more - "take everything away, meet with the teachers, force him to sit at the table and study" approach. The problem is that we have taken both paths....first semester, the taking away....more recently, the, "hey, it's on you" and neither one seems to be effective. His football coaches have talked to him as well (with his current grades, he would not be eligible this Fall) and I think they and he feel like, "Hey, he's a smart kid, he'll pull them up before the end of the term." And he probably will to B's and C's, but he's really hurting his future options by not performing anywhere close to his potential. As I said, he's not highly social, so he's not really motivated by grounding, not allowing him to get his drivers license, etc. He also doesn't seem to be very motivated by the more "laissez-faire with support" approach. As I said, I'm going to get the book, but any quick thoughts?

I have read the book and you wrote it about my son, seemingly, the hidden perfectionist who is paralyzed and can't "remember" to write down assignments and follow through and do work ahead of time. He is a boarding student. Do you consult with them? Another words, could we hire you to speak with them about this type of child and how to best help him?
Desperate!
--concerned mom
<mailto:pkpmgp@comcast.net>

What recommendations do you have for a 23 year old graduate student who has a B.S. in Biology, failed to get into med school (due to a 3.3 GPA overall) and is currently making C's and one D in biotechnical engineering grad school? He has the characteristics of a gifted underachiever. We have paid for college and supported him financially until this semester. In Jan, we signed a contract with him specifically stating our expectations if we are to continue to support him. He failed to meet any of the expectations. He did have an initial meeting with a local psychologist last week.

What recommendations do you have for a 23 year old graduate student who has a B.S. in Biology, failed to get into med school (due to a 3.3 GPA overall) and is currently making C's and one D in biotechnical engineering grad school? He has the characteristics of a gifted underachiever. We have paid for college and supported him financially until this semester. In Jan, we signed a contract with him specifically stating our expectations if we are to continue to support him. He failed to meet any of the expectations. He did have an initial meeting with a local psychologist last week.

I need professional help with my 12 year old. I have been doing the program for 5 months and have not seen much difference in her grades. However, she now realises she is making the choice to fail. Does anyone know a psychologist specilaizing in motivation issues in the Silver Spring, MD area?